As a recent tweet mentioned:
Lately, I've had a vague feeling that I'm not accomplishing all that I want to - difficult to put it in words, though.
So - perhaps more than 140 characters will help...
Vague feelings. This is something that seems to occur regularly in my life. (Get ready for the usual "It all started when I ..." story :).
I don't remember ever talking about feelings as a kid, vague or otherwise. Likely had a lot to do with the mores of my family. They didn't learn how to chat about them, so how could they teach a kid to do so?
After my first divorce, I lucked out and started attending various self-help groups and going to counseling. Amazing transformations happen at these places.
The first few years after the divorce, the best I could do was to actually start identifying that I had some uncomfortable feelings. It took a while longer to actually identify them. The worst were when there was just the vague mass of blechh floating around somewhere in my gut. I don't think I ever really understood where that came from, it just started to fade out over time.
So, why is this germane at the moment?
Lately, I've been thinking about what I really want to do with the next few years of my career. My wife and I had come up with a plan and I was quite excited about moving it forward.
Then, the company I am working at now decided to go through a major physical re-organization. I've been assigned a role in the re-org process and it takes up all of my time and energy - or at least it has for the last two months. When you add that together with my obligations on research / school, I'm left with negative free time.
So this builds up and I start to resent it, but it is from a decision I made / accepted / agreed to, so I don't feel like I can complain / talk about it. Uggh!
I remember a book written by
Heinlein that I read in my teens about a
twin who is tricked into going on a star voyage by his other twin. Everyone, including the twin who goes, professes that it is so lucky and fantastic that he gets to go. Unfortunately, subconsciously, he doesn't want to go. Because of that, and that he can not voice that feeling, he becomes suicidal. Life works out (He gets the girl in the end, as is usual with Heinlein), after some psychotherapy.
So, how would I really like to spend my week? (After a few weeks of resting / relaxation / sleeping)
That's easy - programming. I adore programming - the creative aspects, the blend of "big picture" and multiple tiny details, the immediate feedback, the feeling of creating something useful.
Given that I've now burned up 30+ minutes just talking about this (to no one :), what am I going to do about it? Answer - get programming. I have a day off tomorrow and I intend to spend the day writing and creating. Let's see how I feel after that.
